11.29.03
Posted in Parenting at 5:48 pm by tina
I am deeply convinced that babies are much smarted than we give them credits to, and how they will take a mile if you give them one inch… even at three months old!
We’ve finally gotten Maddy to the sleeping routine where she falls right back to sleep if I give her the pacifier in the middle of the night (We were planning to not give her the pacifier and have her find her own way back to sleep soon), but grandma and grandpa Chang came for Thanksgiving!
Grandparents are kids’ heaven and parents’ nightmare. Maddy was held most of the time. Daddy Joe did a test and measured the longest time that grandma allowed Maddy to cry: 42 second.. and how Maddy had this little grin on her face the whole time. When grandma is holding her, she would give mommy and daddy this ‘look’ saying “ha ha, I won”
The second night after grandparents came, Maddy decided that she deserves the same treatment from her mommy and daddy. She didn’t go back to sleep when waken up at 4:30am… it wasn’t enough that mommy actually picked her up; it wasn’t enough that she made daddy got up as well; it wasn’t enough that mommy or daddy held her and rocked her on the bed; the little spoiled girl wanted us to hold her AND paced her back and forth.
Needless to say, mommy is dead tired in the morning. But no, that wasn’t enough.
Mommy had to take grandma to BabyRUs so grandma can get her little spoiled grand daughter the most expensive (according to grandma, it’s the only ’sturdy’ one) walker “Step&Play Piano” grandma can find as “Thanksgiving” gift. When did I ever get a “Thanksgiving gift”? Mommy insisted that it is the early Xmas gift and no more gifts for the spoiled baby until she starts to behave 
Grandma and grandpa are planning to come and visit Maddy during March. Mommy and daddy better train Maddy well before they come.
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11.24.03
Posted in Maddy's First at 1:55 pm by tina
Today is Maddy’s first day at Cisco Daycare:
1) Mommy and daddy learned how to sign Maddy in on the computer; we got entry access on our Cisco badges; we got access to view the IPTV (only daddy tried it out because we have to be at work to see it for security reasons)
2) Maddy has her own cubby for diaper bags/clothes/bibs; her own diaper cubby in changing room; her own tray in the frig; and her own crib in the napping area. Everything has her name on it. Her color code is forest green, daddy’s favorite color.
3) Maddy went on her first buggy ride with her classmates Curtis, Patricia, and Amelia… all of them started about Maddy’s age in the same Homebase(classroom)
Maddy acted like a drama queen. Although she had the front row seat, she was all fussy and whining while all the other kids sat in their buggy seats and behaved well. Maddy was embarrassed that her mommy and daddy made such a big deal out of everything and they made the teacher get the camera so they can have some pictures of Maddy in the buggy ride.
Mommy ran into a co-worker. She was sharing some experiences as a working mom with mommy, and she said that it doesn’t matter what the reaction your child has, all moms have a lot to adjust to. She said “If your child cries when you drop her off, you’re heart broken because you leave your child there; if your child doesn’t cry when you drop her off, you’re heart broken because she doesn’t seem to want you and need you and she’s happy without you being with her” Oh, she said it all… we moms are so hard to satisfy.
Mommy didn’t want to seem all bossy and pushy and controlling, so she left after putting on the stickers on Maddy’s stuff and said hello to all the caretakers there. It was so hard to leave Maddy there.
Mommy went back at Maddy’s 11:30 feeding time. Maddy’a caretaker was rocking her and she seems content. She ate, listened to the story telling, and they all went outside for the buggy ride. Daddy also came to visit Maddy, then daddy and mommy went out to have lunch. It wasn’t as hard as the first time when mommy left for the second time.
Mommy found out that they have everyone’s feeding time, nap time and diaper changing time on the board where teachers can see easily. They change everyone’s diaper every two hours (that’s a much shorter duration then when Maddy is at home; mommy is happy about that) They wash the crib sheets every day; mommy is also happy about that and wonders if she needs to wash Maddy’s sheet at home just as often.
Mommy went back again at 3:30 to feed Maddy. Mommy was a little late and Maddy’s teacher already started to feed her. The good thing is that mommy got to meet Patricia’s mom Kathy and Curtis’s dad Kyle and also had some time talking to Maddy’s primary caretaker Rocio. We checked out from the daycare at 4:00 today, and Maddy is still sound asleep. She look like she had a full day.
Mommy is happy that Maddy had a good day at the daycare, but mommy is jealous that Maddy’s teacher and playmates got to spend time with mommy’s little baby.
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11.23.03
Posted in Maddy at 11:04 pm by tina
Pastor Howard gave a sermon on being thankful in all circumstances today, and I felt like he was talking to me the whole time. He said that sometimes we are so focused on our ‘problems’ that we don’t see the big pictures. I think that’s what has happened to me this past couple of weeks. I am so consumed on thinking about being a working mom/full-time mom that my problem got a lot bigger than it really is and it overwhelms me with its magnifying power 
And when I step back and ‘zoom out’ to see my life as a whole, I realize that you know what, I have more to be thankful about than anyone else:
1. I’m thankful that Maddy is healthy, happy, and growing like any other little girl.
2. I’m thankful that Joe is supportive and helpful in every way he knows how
3. I’m thankful that I have a lot of support from Mom’s group at church, and that Maddy has a wonderful group of kids she hangs out with at our church nursery; not to mention all the helpers who love kids and donate their time/energy for them there.
4. I’m thankful that if I decided to work full-time, Maddy is in good care. Cisco Daycare has a very safe environment; it has two IPTV in each room so parents can watch them at work; it is next to my work building so I can go nurse and spend time with her whenever I can; and my manager had told me that I can leave whenever I want to for the baby’s needs.
5. I’m thankful that if I decided to be a full-time mom, we are still ok financially. Sure, we won’t be able to spend/save as much as now, but we’ll make it through all right.
6. I’m thankful that we live at this time and this place… I truly have the freedom to choose, and I’m not forced to be one way or the other. I’m not judged whether if I work full-time or not (and if I am judged by some people, I really don’t care).. for whatever decision I make at the end, we (Joe, Maddy, Brownie and I) will still be a great family.
7. For everything else I have in life, I am thankful.
8. For all the new things God has in store for us to experience, I am thankful!
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11.22.03
Posted in Maddy at 9:52 pm by tina
What I would really like is the ability to be two places at the same time.
Half ‘me’ works at my current job (which I like and it pays well) and the other half takes care of Maddy at the same time.
But no, I’m left with two bad but more realistic paths:
1) Be a stay-at-home mom; I can watch Maddy 24/7 and be happy about being a mom, but I will be a big loser who feels dependent, insecure, uncertain, and unhappy for the rest part of me who is not a ‘mom’.
2) Be a working mom with a full time job; Be an average worker and an average mom who has just enough time to do the minimal required.
Who am I and who do I want to be? No, my identity is not in work, just as my identity is not in being-a-mom. I want to do everything well (excel at work, excel at home), but I don’t want to be just one thing either.
Does working full-time guarantee my independence/security? No.
Does staying at home guarantee that Maddy will grow up a ‘better’ person? No.
Life sucks! I shall make my decision soon…. maybe I should start a poll and ask my weblog audience to vote. My weblog has been very popular lately, with family, friends, and even strangers. It seems like everyone has taken an interest in my little pathetic life I suppose that’s something exciting… it’s been easy and smooth for quite a while… finally something worthwhile blogging.
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Posted in Maddy at 2:37 am by tina
I have to admit that I’ve been fostering bad sleeping habit for Maddy. Since I am so tired during the day (because I have trouble sleeping at night or Maddy wakes me up in the middle of the night), I usually pass out during Maddy’s nap time.
She’s so cute, so soft, and so cuddly, and I can’t help just snuggle with her on our couch. I actually look forward to ‘our’ naptime together. There is no tedious work to do, no negative thinking to worry about… just mommy and Maddy being together. She would wake up in the middle of her nap and start to cry, but she stops and smiles when she sees me. That’s my favorite moment of the day.
My other favorite moment is diaper changing time after every meal. Maddy has these big, long stretches with her full tummy. I don’t know why she stretches when I put her on the changing table, but she looks so funny. And I always get at least two smiles out of her. She has one dimple, on the opposite side of mine…. that’s where my missing dimple went
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Posted in Maddy at 2:15 am by tina
I’ve been having insomnia this past week.. it’s 2:15am in the morning; I’m tired but I can’t sleep. Yesterday was my last day of spending 24/7 with Maddy. She’s starting Cisco Daycare next week (one week before I go back to work) so I can spend some time with her in the daycare as transition.
I hate the thought that I’ll have to leave her in the daycare when I work, just as much as I hate the thought of having to stay at home all the time. I don’t think work will be that exciting if I worry about Maddy in the back of my mind, but the work at home is so repetitive, tedious, and major killer for your braincells (Sorry Maddy, but honestly, only maternal instinct is needed and no brain is required).. not to mention that it really sucks having to keep a budget.
Then I again confirmed with myself that I still have a difficult time parting my independence. I had asked myself if I would drop my job like a hot potato if Joe doubles his salary so we have the same amount of income. I believe I would still have the exact same issues if that was the case. A friend said I have trouble with ‘his’ money and ‘my’ money although all of our income goes into the same pot. I guess I do. I always just buy whatever I want, and give whatever I want to whoever I wish. If I tell Joe, it’s more like just passing information.
If I stay at home, I would definitely ask for permission before spending. Not that Joe is the controlling type or anything, but it feels different for me. Well, it IS different. Now I understand why so many women throughout the history and today continue to cling onto their abusive husbands. They really really don’t have much of a choice. In addition, if anything ever happens to Joe, Maddy and I are totally screwed. If something bad has to happen, I hope it’ll happen to me instead. At least Joe’ll still be ok and Maddy can go to a daycare then.
It’s the weirdest thing… it’s 3:00am now.. I’ve watched some crazy scary movie on TV and entered this entry and I’m still awake… I bet you today is the day that Maddy will sleep through the night… just my luck.
Maybe I’ll find some part-time job somewhere. I don’t even know what kind of jobs are out there besides then engineering. I don’t think I have any interests in anything else other than engineering, but I should do something even if it’s like waitressing. Maybe I can work on Sat and part of Sunday or I can work like third shift since I’m used to be awake in the middle of the night now. I need to get out more or go to sleep now… all these bad feelings are driving me insane.
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11.18.03
Posted in Maddy at 5:09 pm by tina
Ever since I wrote my last blog to clarify things, more and more people finally told me that they thought Joe and I were having major fights. I guess it’s easier to write all my struggles as it’s a way for me to vent and to think through things, and I decided that I would write down more of my blessings in life (of which I usually just thank God in my personal prayers instead of writing them down).
One of the biggest blessings I have recently is my new connection with my own gender (see my earlier blog) and all the moms I got to know from the Moms’ Group since Maddy was born. I am so amazed at the number of moms who are whole-heartly devoted to their child(children) in this fast-paced, career-oriented, and materialistic Sillicon Valley. I’m REALLY REALLY thankful that my relationships to them are not superficial, and that I’m able to share with them the struggles I’m going through as I face the priority changes of my marriage + motherhood + career. Their wisdom on how they have gone through the similar situations and how they rise to the occasion is something I crave to have. Their words comfort my anxious heart, and I know I would have been so depressed and unhappy without their support and prayers for me.
I thank God for placing them in my life. I pray that one day, I too, will be able to share my walk with another new mother and help her with her changes. I pray that one day, Maddy will have friends like mine, and I pray that one day, Maddy will BE a friend like mine to others.
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11.17.03
Posted in Maddy at 1:50 pm by tina
My mom called and was all worried about the weblogs I wrote, then two friends told us over dinner that they thought Joe and I were having big fights… so I thought I should clarify things:
Joe and I are doing fine Yes, we have our disagreements on our attitude about work and on women’s roles, but he is sweet enough to give me the freedom to choose and decide what I want to do. For that, I appreicate him tremendously.
I don’t want to quit my work now and then always wonder later “what if” and somehow become resentful and regretful. I think I should give it a try. If things work out, it’ll be great. If not, then I have proof for myself to move on.
Anyway, we were joking last night. Since he thinks work is curse and he likes to have someone at home taking care of Maddy, Joe can quit his job and be a full-time dad. We wonder if he’s allowed to join all the Mom’s groups then.
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11.15.03
Posted in Maddy at 1:49 pm by tina
For some unknown reasons Maddy was fussy from 4:00-5:00am last night. She’s the ‘trigger’ for all my venting. I notice that I usually have a lot of negative things to say when I lack sleep. It’s like I bottle up all the feelings until Maddy drives me over to the other end.
Most people don’t talk about the “cons” that come with motherhood. Either they think it’s taboo or it’s such a ’sin’ to say all these bad things. Personally, I don’t think it makes me less of a mother. In fact, I like to write all these things down. My main purpose of keeping this weblog is really for Maddy. I want her to know all the good things AND the bad things her mommy goes through while raising her. I want her to know that I’m not perfect, but I’m doing my best to learn and grow with her. I want her to have all the information she can have before she has her own kids (if she decides to).
Don’t get me wrong, I love being a “mom”. I love knowing her routines; I love being able to make her smile; I love singing and playing with her; and I love all the blessings that come with being a mom.
It’s the other side of me, the “individual” person as I have known her for the past 31 years, sometimes struggle so much to embrace the changes. At the end of some days, I feel physically exhausted, mentally unstimulated, socially deprived, and emotionally empty. I feel like such a loser the other day when I realized that I considered the highlight of my day was going to my OBGYN and got a note from the nurse saying “Tina Chen is able to return to work with no restrictions”.
But God was so good to me. He sent two of my very good college friends, Kevin and Pei-Fang, to visit me on Thur and Friday. Kevin’s visit was a surprise, and Pei-Fang’s visit was planned from last week but I totally forgot until she called and said she’s on her way. Anyway, I had honest, sweet, and unjudgmental conversations with them… both I needed badly at the time.
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11.13.03
Posted in Maddy at 10:54 am by tina
I am a convicted believer for independence. When my family first to the States, we went through a tough period of time. My parents had decided that it’s best for my dad to go back to Taiwan to work and my mom to at home with us. They fought a lot when my dad came back to visit on the issues of money (or the lack of to be more precisely), on how my mom had to sacrifice her career, etc. My mom had cried many times because she felt helpless about not being able to help me with my school and how I had to stay back one year because I didn’t know enough English. It was the first time I realized that I can’t depend on my parents even when they tried beyond their best to be there for us and provide for us. I learned that I should only depend on God and not on other people. When I tried to find a job in my senior year in college, I also had to struggle. My close friends had multiple offers from companies/schools, but they can’t help me or pull strings for me. I again learned to only trust and depend on God. When I first got married, I thought that Joe and I would spend every single free time “together” as a lovey-dovey couple. When I realized that he has other ‘love’ for web-development, games and volleyball, God taught me that I will not be happy if I depend on others to fulfill my needs and wants. Again I became even more independent. Ever since then, I don’t think I was “traumatized” by anyone else. Not because my world became perfect, but simply because I KNOW that if I really want to have something or be someone, better do it myself!
Before Maddy was born, I was 200% sure that I will be a working mom. There was never any doubt or question about it. Not that I look down on full-time moms. I have great respect for them, my sister-in-law MaryBeth for one. She has single-handed raised up four wonderful kids while my brother-in-law works really really hard to provide financially and travels for work often. I have never seen her lose her temper and she ALWAYS has time for each one of her kids. “Watching” her take care of the kids for an hour and I am exhausted. I also have great respect for working moms, both my grandma and my mother for example. Not only they went against their generations (especially my grandma) and had amazing career of their own, they are the two most generous people I know…. AND, they also raised wonderful kids (yes, I, Tina Chen, for one) My point is that I don’t believe a child’s future depends on whether a mother works or not. I believe a child’s future depends on the characters of their parents and if they’re well loved and taught by the environment they’re put in.
Anyway, so I was amazed and confused by myself when I started to wonder if I want to be a full-time mom or not recently. I mean, that would mean that I have to be totally dependent on Joe. It’s like going against my own principles and life experiences. Why would I put myself in a vulnerable situation where it’s perfect setup for disappointment and heartache by Joe and Maddy and the inability of myself? Besides, if I expect Joe to provide financially for the family AND pick up 50% of the responsibilities of raising a child (which I do), why do I expect any less from myself? I don’t feel totally confident of being a working mom either. I worry about Maddy despite of the wonderful Cisco Day Care, and I worry that I won’t be able to do even an average job at work because simply Maddy is higher priority for me now.
I think Joe would prefer me to stay at home. In fact, it was the first big fight (and the only one so far) we had after we got married. He told me that a woman’s job is to stay at home and take care of the kids. Can you believe his nerve? By the way , that is totally so old-fashion Chinese and not biblical (Read Proverbs 31: The wife of noble character) Ideally, that’s who I want to be… but now, it seems so impossible.
It looks like I am not going to be totally satisfied being either. I guess that’s why it’s such a tough issue for me. If it’s so black and white, I wouldn’t have to struggle at all. I wonder who was that noble wife in Proverbs who was able to do it all and have it all.
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11.09.03
Posted in Maddy at 8:16 pm by tina
Maddy has started baby coocooing for a couple of days now; however, she ‘discovered’ her own voice today. During her best mood period in the morning (after feeding and changing), she found out that she can make different coo-coo sounds. After each different pitch coo, she would be so proud and excited that she laughed at herself. What a cutie pie! Of course she found out that mommy is easily amused by her cooing, so we coo-coo with each other for the longest time.
Perhaps she is too excited about this new discovery, she decided that she doesn’t need to nap this entire day. I tried EVERYTHING, including rocking her and sleeping with her (yep, mommy broke down and resorted to all the bad habits)..nothing worked. I can tell that she is dead tired, but she would look at me, coo-coo some, then started fussing and crying because she’s so tired.. poor baby. Finally she felt asleep from exhaustion at 8:00pm… hopefully she’ll get some extremely needed rest tonight so we can coocoo with each other some more tomorrow!
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11.03.03
Posted in Maddy at 11:44 pm by tina
Most of my close friends are guys. I guess I’ve always felt more comfortable with guys because of my personalities and my education background. My two best girl friends are the same way. We’re not into makeup, shopping, nor looking pretty.. we like to dress in sweat pants/sweat shirts, eat like pigs, and chat about how to be more independent, strong, and competitive. It’s really not our fault. You can’t be too girly to be in the engineering field.
I started going to the Mom’s Group at church this past month and went out with 13+ moms to a Mom’s Night Out this past Saturday. To my surprise, I felt at ease although the concept of me being in a ‘female only’ group is quite foreign to me. It’s comforting to be able to share and confide with other moms who share the same faith and values as me, and I really get a kick out of the time we talk to each other about all the ‘bugging’ things our husbands do as we learn and encourage each other to be fervent praying wives!
Being a mom has given me the gift of changing from a selfish person to a selfless person, it has also given me the gift to get in touch with my feminine side and connected with my own gender
All thanks to Maddy!
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