Tina's Journey
I don’t have a dramatic story to tell you. God didn’t blind my eyes like He did to Saul. He didn’t put me in a whale’s mouth like He did to Jonah, and He certainly didn’t break 5 little fish and a loath of bread and fed 5000 people in front of me. But just like the relationship between my parents and me, I know that they love me not because of some heroic actions they did, but because of many many LITTLE things they did for me.
| I grew up in a ‘half-Christian’ family. People on my dad’s side (including my dad) are either Buddhists or Atheists; people on my mom’s side are strong Christians. I went to church and Sunday school every week, and I guess I remember some bible stories because of that. As a child, it was ‘natural’ for me to live two kinds of lives. I was a Buddhist when I visited my dad’s parents. I bowed to the big tummy Budda, burned fake money to my dead ancestors and all sorts of ‘gods’ who are supposed to keep our family safe and sound. My mom would always just stood outside or behind, but no body seems to mind. On the other hand, I was a Christian when I visited my mom’s parents. Sunday is our church day. We prayed before we eat and we did all the ‘Christian’ things together. |
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When I get a little older, I began to understand what it really means to BE A CHRISTIAN. I know God exists (I’ll tell you about that later) and God listens to me, but I also enjoyed not being ‘controlled’ by Him. You know, I liked the fact that I can be a Christian when I want to and I can do things for God when I want to. What’s this nonsense about giving God the control of my life? What if I don’t like God AFTER I become a Christian.
Like every Christian, I go through that struggle even though I was ‘brought up’ as a Christian. There comes to a point between all the knowledge I know about God or I say I am a Christian and I truly accept Christ to be my personal savior regardless of what my Christians family says and what my non-Christians family says. It’s a flight between me and myself, about who I am and who I want to be.
And I must say, it was a flight. It was almost weird to see myself as ‘two’ entities and fought to come to the final conclusion. Looking back from now, I see that God was very patient with me. He ‘pushed’ me at the right time and allowed me to build up enough courage to take that step of faith when I accepted Him.
I have to be honest, I had a lot of ‘mixed’ feelings about it. I was joyful to be part of God’s family, excited to become a true Christian, but also very scared and worried. I was scared because I know that it is not an easy road like many people portraits it to be. I was also afraid to let go the control of my life and having to listen to God’s will and all. In addition, I was worried that people would mock my belief and look at me as week and foolish.
Well, but here I am, 11 years later. I’ve grown to know so much about God and experienced His love and mercy. Yet the more I know Him, the more I see that I really only knew so little about Him.
Anyway, I would like to use this page to tell you more about my experience. I don’t have all the answers, and I have lots of questions as well. But I hope you’ll see one ‘realistic’ Christian walk and more importantly, bits and pieces of who God is and what He means to me.